Who Let Tim Kawakami Play?

Consider this the Doin Work Roast of Tim Kawakami. For he has transcended the traditional boundaries of annoying sports writers and set a new mark, at least among those who don’t benefit from their annoying personalities on shows like Around the Horn.  While the Woody Paiges and Jay Mariottis of the world are duking it out on TV, somewhere in Silicon Valley sits a creepy little Asian nerd, eyes glued to box scores, smirking each time the opposing team scores. See, Tim Kawakami was the annoying little arrogant kid who sucked at sports, so you would conspire to not pick him, leaving him relegated to picking wildflowers by himself over by the jungle gym. Years of being left out created a monster, and one day, little Timmy stood up and declared that he’d had enough! He was going to devote his life to becoming the most evil sports writer in the country, so he could take down every athlete, coach, owner, trainer, and cheerleader in sports. Realizing he’d never be able to take a cheerleader anywhere, he focused his list to just the four mentioned previously.

Fast forward to present day San Francisco Bay Area. Kawakami watches sports from a unique perspective. To hear him tell it, he was the Dan Dickau of the J-Leagues back in his day. So, it’s hard for him to understand why NBA teams would have anyone on their roster who is not as good as Kobe Bryant.  Tim is an avid fan of the Golden State Warriors and the Oakland Raiders. By avid fan, I mean the Warriors and Raiders beat him up and stole his lunch money everyday. To make matters worse, people still like the Warriors and Raiders, and this drives Timmy CRAZY! For the last few years, he’s spent his time spreading hate about these two teams, in hopes of bringing them down. He’s attacked players, coaches, and owners alike with reckless abandon. He loves calling for Al Davis and Don Nelson’s heads. Recently, he published this ridiculous list of coaches he’d like to see replace Don Nelson. Really, Tim? You’d like to see Sam Cassell coaching the W’s, huh? Jim Boylen?  Sign me up! Mario Elie, current Mavs assistant?  Wait a minute, he’s an assistant coach for the Kings. Timmy, you didn’t put much thought into this list did you? Seriously, you sound like Dominic in Kindergarten Cop, rattling off all the people who are better than Mr. Kimble. “Chuck, my T-ball coach, he’s better than you too…”

Think it’s time to e-mail the IT guy again about blocking the Mercury News again so I don’t have to put up with this garbage.